Kookie Homeless Man

[5 Min Read]

Jenny is stopped on her walk to work by an unusual sight.

A homeless man is walking on the sidewalk opposite of her decked out in some sort of homemade armor. On his chest and back he wore two washboards held in place with silver duct tape, his legs, and well-worn new balance sneakers, were wrapped tightly in tape and silver tinfoil, on his head he bore a modified saucepan with an oval hole in the front for his face but the panhandle still fixed in its original place. In his hand, he wielded a golf putter that appeared to be stolen from the local putt-putt course.

Jenny had spotted this man several times on her commute to work, but never in full ‘armor,’ before. Usually, she spotted him either begging on the corner or shadow boxing in a nearby ally.

She watched in moderate interest as this man climbed atop a moving van and started shouting to the morning commuters below.

“H-Hey everyone. Could I have your attention please?”

No one paid him any mind

“HEY YOU JERKS!” He yelled at the top of his lungs, shocking everyone in the city block. We all turned our attention the tinfoil clad man.

“Hey! I’m tired of being invisible to you guys. It’s kind of a dick thing to do, right?”

The crowd murmurs amongst themselves

“Get down from there, asshole!” Shouted a man at the hotdog stand

“No!” the homeless man points to his verbal abuser with his putter, “I’m not letting people like you tell me what to do anymore! That’s why after a lot of consideration, I, Ted, have decided to declare war on the world to show you butt heads what up!”

Ted raises his golf club above his head “Prepare to have your butt faces rocked!”


“Good morning and welcome to the newsroom” Penny watches the well-dressed reporter speak through her tv screen. Her children clutched in her arms.

“Today, we have only one story and its one that affects us all. Today marks the year anniversary of World War III, or as some have called it, the war on Ted. On this momentous day, we are not only celebrating the war’s anniversary but its conclusion.”

The little girl clutched in one of Penny’s arms turns to her mother, “M-Mommy,” She chocked out with tears in her eyes, “Are we going to be okay?”

Penny softly strokes her child’s soft hair “I don’t know, baby.”

“Now let join the world’s leaders at the peace conference in Washington,” The camera breaks from the newsroom to the white house in Washington D.C. Only miles away from Penny and her children.

A room full of downtrodden men and woman are gathered around a long table reading through their provided binders. In the middle of the room sat an ornate red and gold throne containing a crusty looking homeless man with a bent golf putter in his lap.

A blonde man who is sat amongst the other world leaders, raises one of his tiny hands “Um, President Ted sir-“

Ted pointed his club at the man menacingly “It’s Supreme Ruler Ted!”

“S-Sorry! So Sorry!” The blonde man trembled “I-I just had a question about the terms of surrender, sir!”

“What is it, naive?” Ted narrowed his eyes

“It says here, under the article about our unconditional surrender to you and above the clause that indicates the Earth will now be renamed ‘Planet Ted,'”

“Get to the point!” Supreme Ruler Ted commanded

“I-Its says here that I am, every hour on the hour, to march through the streets naked clucking like a chicken?”

Ted stroked his stringy beard “No, wait that’s not right,”

The blonde man sighs a breath of relief

“What it should say,” Ted continued “Is that you will be naked except for the two KFC buckets of chicken that you will wear on your feet. Add that in would you?” He commanded as he plopped back down on his throne.

Ted propped up his feet and leaned back “Shoot man,” He picked up a cold mountain dew from a nearby table and sipped “I should have conquered the Earth years ago!”

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